India’s Worst-kept Secret: Sexual Abuse

Khwaish Gupta
Jun 30, 2020
7 min read

Updated: Jan 30, 2023

Bursting the Bubble

I conducted a survey of 166 women about their sexual harassment experiences to know if privilege would spare them of the vulnerability that society poses for them.

Have you ever been to a beach and stood there thinking to yourself- “this is going to be a majestic wave, let me just stay put” but it turns out to be a casual one, almost making you feel cheated? That’s how it is today when all of us are parked near the mega-ocean of social media, riding successive waves of supposed change on the same four-lined Titanic called the hashtag which we know will eventually dissolve.

These waves are cathartic for many but tend to last only so long. Having a few thought waves like #MeToo, acknowledging privilege and bashing feminism take the sand from beneath my feet, pushing me into thinking further. I conducted a survey asking 166 females in my social reach if they have been sexually harassed and minor details related to the same. The respondents belong to a decent socio-economic background and have attended reputed educational institutions. This was my chosen demographic to bring into discussion that privilege doesn’t spare women of vulnerability. Here, the data, what it implies and what we can do about it are of prime focus.

Now, before I could begin, it is imperative to ensure that we are on the same page about some key terms which have more meaning to them than we think. Have a look!

note that these terms might seem to incorporate only injustices of the highest order; however, they cover even the smallest of them

In a regular school or college group discussion we hear desperate students rattle about the access of education as the only solution to problems like sexual violence, abuse and assault. We equate mindset to education, which I feel is a terribly misplaced notion. This applies to the general scenario (in the wake of MeToo movement when sexual harassment at workplace was being called out) and I can personally attest to the same.

Out of all the sexual harassment incidences I have been through, the first perpetrator was my tuition teacher cum tenant. He would caress my hands with the excuse of taking my pen, look at me with lustful eyes filled with some detestable shade of pink and breath heavily making a tacit sound from his mouth as if in an attempt to moan silently. The natural question that pops up in your head is “and what did you do?” In all honesty, I just took extra pens to class. I was convinced (as a kid) that I am overthinking.

“He has a daughter, other female students and a wife with apparently big busts. He wouldn’t do this to me. Above all, he’s educated! Even if he did, I guess I should save their family some honour.”

Years later I gathered the courage to tell my family about this (only upon asking), when the #MeToo wave swept the nation. They were shell shocked. Reason- something like this happened and they were kept aloof from it all. Telling them felt liberating because I could then dispose of the shroud of denial.

In a nutshell, I too have been a victim of sexual harassment. In subsequent times, I came across incidences of much perilous sexual abuses that my friends have been victims to. Some of them had perpetrators in their family, while others were stories of professors passing sexually offensive comments and strangers who were never traced.

When I conducted the survey, the results were upsetting but predictable. Let us take a dip into what responses for each question suggest.

The Open Secret

63% had been sexually harassed while 15% were unsure.

Since worshiping goddesses is a habit for majority Indians, we see this notion of considering women as mere non-living idols reducing to action. In 2018, almost a whopping 4 lakh cases were registered all over India under crime against women (NCRB Data, Volume I, 195). What comes as a bolt from the blue is another study citing the gross under-reporting of these cases- 99% cases go unrecorded.

Another chief concern tackles the human tendency to not hold your relatives, friends or people in power accountable. For many, it comes easy to blame themselves. While it is totally understandable because most of these acts are packaged in ambiguity which we are seldom able to unwrap, we cannot hold the risk of holding on to doubt till multiple incidents of distress come from the same person. What disturbs me the most about this element of uncertainty is that it inhibits response. While I agree that there can be misunderstandings too, I strongly feel this is why it is more important to create a more open and vocal system of communication.

 When I felt threatened by an aged family member far from home, I didn’t tell my parents. However, I told my best friend and another relative. Towards the end I added that I could possibly be overthinking but I am certain of feeling considerable discomfort. How did they respond? “Chill yaar, you are just overthinking.” Other than my mother, whom I told a month later, no one had believed me truly. Today, I maintain a safe distance from that person.

A perpetrator is a perpetrator. Period.

Family in the Frame

More than 50% of the families were unaware

Alarming as this is, we can’t deny the sad reality here. The lack of awareness, conservative mindset of many parents and uncertainty of their reaction scares children. Kids don’t want their ‘freedom’ to be taken away. For most part, parents’ aren’t even to blame. They understand your pain like no other and just instinctively, turn super protective as if they already weren’t. I cannot stress enough the role of a family because it is them who will eventually help you take a concrete action. While it looks like an obstacle that can be solved with just conversations and discussions, its roots go much deeper. The prototype of an Indian family watches news channels that sensationalise gender-based violence and Bollywood movies, daily soaps with dyed-in-the-wool sexism. I’d recommend you turn into their parents for once and moderate the content they come across.

While faulty representations in Bollywood need an article of their own, but here’s a short clipping from the much loved (why!) Housefull 2.

How cool is it to joke about rape and portray discomfort of a woman funny! Indian film industries need to check their humour status seriously.

Answer: Education

In more than half cases, the perpetrator was educated.

Education has little to do with one’s take on sexual abuse. Don’t make the same mistake as mine. People don’t deserve to have the benefit of doubt just because they’re educated and vice-versa. Had it been otherwise, people sitting on comfortable desks in tall buildings with their glass windows that reflect the blue sky would not have been ousted when reported as perpetrators of sexual harassment. While this is a good start, we have a long way to go with 70% cases of workplace sexual harassment still going unreported.

Educational institutions must be bestowed with the responsibility of including sex education and uprooting patriarchal notions from the minds of little ones. Simultaneously it has to be equally accessible, irrespective of gender, to ensure equal opportunities in the socio-economic structure.

We find ourselves in a real predicament which calls for quick actions and consequential efforts. It is a crucial realization that change has to be run simultaneously at both the ground level and nationwide. I have made a simple checklist which you can keep in mind and work towards it!

What YOU Can Do:

Unpack Uncertainty
Whenever something happens, share as much as you can especially with those who you think are vulnerable. It is tough. Yes. But it is easier than watching others go through the same.
When on the listening end, be more empathic. Don’t use words like- overthinking, exaggerating, or fantasising. If you are genuinely suspicious, listen patiently and cross-check another time.
Talk to friends, family to help you identify or just search it on the web. Click here to check a suggestive list of what constitutes sexual harassment according to Indian law.
Family in the Frame
If you have been a victim of sexual violence (irrespective of it being a small or big issue) I urge you to share it with your family. Take your time, if you wish. If you hear responses like ‘what were you wearing’ or ‘why didn’t you tell me before’ or ‘you’re not going out alone anymore’, take a bold stand. Significant change begins with a conversation at home, not with the Instagram story you put. It can be difficult for most of you, but there are brighter times waiting ahead! (PS- try not losing your calm, or else they might blame ‘too much freedom’ for this)
If you haven’t been a victim yourself, you still need to have this conversation at home.
Moderate media: Just like your parents track your content consumption to ‘keep you on track’, you can also implicitly moderate their media content.
Meaningful conversations can help burst bubbles for people who think the problem doesn’t exist. Don’t assume people already know about consent, victim-blaming and vulnerability when it comes to gender-based violence.
Call out the perpetrator, but don’t resort to public defamation on internet. Remain mindful of unforeseen consequences that social media trials hold.
In case of sexual harassment at workplace or educational institution, report to the Internal Complaints Committee.
Women in distress can also reach out at helplines provided by National Women Commission

What THEY Can Do:

Sensitise the news media on reporting of gender-based violence. Sensationalising rapes and sexual abuse by people in power effects the communication ecosystem negatively, making it more hostile. This also gives way to some people performing gimmicks for instant fame.
Other forms of media like Bollywood, TV shows etc. must make progressive content and not regressive, sexist movies which go on to be box-office hits. They must be held accountable for the same by the censor board. It is high time we call out voyeuristic content in Bollywood and TV serials.
Major legal reforms-
Move to affirmative consent laws where the defence has to prove there was consent and not the other way round.
Quick justice to victims of sexual violence. (Today, 93% cases of crime against women are pending)
Acknowledge marital rape
Adopt negative reinforcement in place of violently punishing.
Inculcate sex education in school curriculum with special focus on consent. Workshops on good and bad touch must begin from primary schools.